The Emotional Backpack You Were Never Meant to Carry
There are some loads in life that make sense to carry.
Your responsibilities.
Your commitments.
Your values.
Your choices.
And then there are the loads we gradually pick up without noticing.
Other people's expectations.
Other people's disappointment.
Other people's opinions.
Other people's reactions.
At some point, many of us start carrying those too.
The strange thing is that we often become so accustomed to the weight that we stop questioning whether it belongs to us in the first place.
Recently, I was listening to Mel Robbins discuss the idea of letting people think what they think and feel what they feel. What struck me wasn't the theory itself. It was how exhausted so many people are from trying to manage everyone else's emotional experience.
It's the colleague who seems annoyed and suddenly you're replaying every interaction you've had with them this week.
It's the text message you rewrite six times because you're trying to prevent a misunderstanding before it happens.
It's the conversation you rehearse repeatedly in your head because you're worried someone might be disappointed.
It's the uncomfortable feeling that somehow everyone else's reaction has become your responsibility.
That's a heavy backpack to drag through life.
Why ADHD-Wired People Often Know This Feeling
Many ADHD-wired adults have spent years adapting to environments that didn't quite fit.
They've been told they're too much, too emotional, too intense, too distracted, too forgetful or not paying enough attention.
Over time, that can create a heightened awareness of how other people are responding.
Not because there's something wrong with them.
Because they've learned that paying attention to other people's reactions helps them stay safe, accepted and connected.
It often shows up as:
People-pleasing
Over-explaining
Masking
Rejection sensitivity
Hyper-awareness of other people's moods
What starts as a survival strategy can gradually become emotional over-functioning.
You become the person smoothing things over.
The person explaining.
The person apologising.
The person carrying everyone's discomfort.
The person trying to prevent problems that haven't even happened yet.
It's exhausting.
The Question That Changed Everything
As I listened, one question kept coming to mind:
Is this actually mine to carry?
Not:
Can I fix it?
Not:
Can I explain it better?
Not:
Can I make them feel better?
Simply:
Is this mine?
Because sometimes the answer is no.
Sometimes someone is disappointed.
That's theirs.
Sometimes someone misunderstands you.
That's theirs.
Sometimes someone forms an opinion about you.
That's theirs.
Sometimes someone doesn't approve of your decision.
Still theirs.
Recognising the difference between what's yours and what's theirs can be surprisingly freeing.
Some Questions Worth Asking
The next time you catch yourself carrying somebody else's emotional load, ask yourself:
What am I assuming responsibility for right now?
Has anyone actually asked me to carry this?
Am I trying to manage someone else's reaction?
What would happen if I stopped explaining?
What if one explanation was enough?
What if somebody was allowed to misunderstand me?
What if their reaction wasn't automatically my responsibility?
You don't need immediate answers.
Sometimes noticing the pattern is enough.
Start Here
The next time you find yourself drafting a lengthy explanation, rehearsing a difficult conversation for the twentieth time, or worrying about how somebody might react, stop for a moment.
Ask yourself:
Is this actually mine to carry?
Because people will think what they think.
People will feel what they feel.
People will react how they react.
You can't control that.
What you can control is whether you pick up the backpack.
And sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is put it down.
Working with Pimokabo
If you're ADHD-wired and finding yourself exhausted by people-pleasing, over-explaining, masking or constantly managing other people's expectations, you're not alone.
At Pimokabo, we explore practical ways to build self-trust, strengthen boundaries and better understand the difference between what's yours to carry and what isn't.
Sometimes that looks like understanding ADHD identity. Sometimes it's untangling beliefs you've carried for years. Sometimes it's learning how to stop taking responsibility for other people's reactions and start paying attention to your own needs.
If you'd like support navigating ADHD, mindset, confidence, career direction or life transitions, visit Pimokabo to learn more.
Resources
Mel Robbins
The Let Them Theory
https://www.melrobbins.com/letthemtheory
The Mel Robbins Podcast
ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity
ADDitude Magazine: Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/
CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder)
Boundaries and Emotional Responsibility
Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend
https://www.boundariesbooks.com
Psychology Today: Boundaries
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/boundaries
Are you carrying baggage that isn't yours?
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